to all the men that i've ever loved...

if i've ever made you feel like you had to make up for the sins of my father, i apologize.

Can I talk to you, baby

When I was a little girl
I didn't have a father
And that's why I'm leaning on you..
When I was a baby
I didn't get a hug from daddy
That's why I need a hug from you..

Ohh, It's not easy and
I thank you for putting up with me
When you don't have a daddy's love

To say that you...
To say that I'm your little girl
(Are his little girl, Oh why didn't you love me)
And give you the love..(I need love yeah yeah yeah)
you really deserve (And i believe I deserve it And that's why

[chorus]
That's why I need, The father in you
(I need the father in you, baby)
That's why I need, (Please don't hurt me please)
The father in you
That's why I need (Oh that's why)
The father in you (Really need you)
That's why I need (Please be true)
The father in you

Oh, things got bad, to the point
Where mommy couldn't hold us down
And that's when it hurt me so much
To see her, To see her cry
(Oh don't cry, momma don't cry momma)
Each and every night
(We're gonna be alright that's what I used to say)
I said that some day
That I would try to take his place
But it was too hard;
It was so hard trying to be a man and a woman
And that's why I need the father in you

[chorus]
That's why I need, (oh I needed)
The father in you, (I put my trust on you)
That's why I need, (Please don't let me domn)
The father in you.
That's why I need,
The father in you (I need the father in you)
That's why I need (Hold my hand)
The father in you

[Breakdown]

Because we never had one at home
(No No No) As a little girl...
So I understand, why daddy couldn't be there
Cause it's so obvious nobody taught him, how to be father to me
Oh and I'm not sayin this
to reminisce on the past
I'm just saying this to make you understand, That I needed a father
And this is my problem
This is why I couldn't keep no one
This is why I couldn't stay alone
I was so scared alone
Every woman needs a man
And I don't think she understands
That she really needs a father
The father in you, my brother
She really needed the father
The father in you.
When your wife is speaking fellas
Pay attention,Yeah,don't ignore her
No,no,no I really need the father in you.
- MJB "Father in You"


i love mary, god knows i do. she's the truth and she usually tells the truth. but i don't want my lover to be my daddy. i want joe, the man that my mother used to love, to be my daddy. fortunately, he's still alive so i have an opportunity to build some kind of relationship with him. i've started and stopped but i need to be more consistent. i called him today (i usually call him on his birthday too). i stumbled over how to greet him and how to identify myself but settled on calling him daddy and referring to myself as "norma's kim". [sidenote: i have several half siblings and share the same first name (and middle initial i believe) as one of my older sisters and one of her daughters. maybe that's one of the reasons why i don't like to be called kim. hmmm...]

i have no poetic prose or jokes today. simply this...men, be a father to your children. women, don't get in the way. children, know that someone loves you. their title does not matter.

when a woman's fed up...

"Wife, 78, allegedly beats man over old affair". Read the article here.

my friend tui shared this story on facebook. i'll admit it. i laughed a little when i read the headline. but after drafting this post, i realized that it's not as funny as i thought. it's actually kinda sad. this woman held onto her suspicions which obviously caused bitterness and resentment (to say the least) for 35 years. 35 years!!! 35 YEARS!!! i know that she comes from that "stand by your man" and "do it for the kids" generation but damn. 35 YEARS?!?!?!?! how many times could she have started over in 35 years? how many opportunities did she miss because she was holding on to her cheating man? i can't even imagine how angry she must've felt when she realized that she had wasted 35 years. well, i guess that was the reason for the assault. (side note: i am happy that she even had the strength to do the damage she did) i do not advocate violence and there were so many other things she could have done in 35 years but i hope she can get out of jail soon.

thanks: msnbc via tui and facebook

i got you stuck off the realness...

the single girl over at parlour magazine had me rollin' yesterday with her post, entitled "dickmatized". it's a mouthful, isn't it? ha!

While women have proven to be strong, leaders and rationale all coolness escapes once they’ve been turned out by a man who has managed to eff them so good they start to lose brain cells.

Cleopatra killed herself.

Monica Lewinsky kept a souvenir.

The Astronaut bitch drove for hours and pissed in diapers.

Lauyrn Hill…need I say more?

And the newest attention to the juicy got ‘em crazy crew is…Cassie.

single girl proceeded to share a story about a friend of hers who engaged in one of those high-speed "follow that car/cab" chases. all to give some guy who didn't seem that pressed a g'damn birthday cake. yes, it was funny but i'm pretty sure we could all remember a time when we acted a fool for that significant (or insignificant) other. so i said...

loved, Loved, LOVED this post, single girl. you had me literally LOL and nodding in agreement, as i remembered being under the spell myself. i’m happily in recovery but i know that relapse is possible. can i use your phrase?

most of the commenters were in agreement but one, in my opinion, took it a litte more seriously and gave me reason to pause.

Sorry, but this sounds like a bunch of young chicks that have not learned their true sexuality. How the hell do you let six to nine inches of temporary satisfaction make you shave your head, run after a man or piss in your pants?

Once women learn the power of the VULVA they will control their own minds…

and ya know? for the most part, i agree. but someone's game is always gonna better than yours and you may get caught slippin'. it happens to the best of us. it happened to me. not on some page 6 worthy level but i was out there nonetheless, acting a fool in ways that i can't bring myself to share right now. but, i recovered and learned valuable lessons. one of which was to remember the power of the almighty P. another lesson was to never settle. if you've been settling for Cs and someone hits you with a B+, chances are that you may get dickmatized, if only for a while.


thanks: the single girl, parlour magazine

oh no he didn't!

i really shouldn't admit to this but i log into my e-mail and onto facebook as soon as i get to work. the mobile version is good when i'm on the go but if i have access to a full screen, i want the full-on experience, even if i'm at work. yeah, i know, trifling. i have a set list of sites and blogs that i read as i sip my morning bustelo. yesterday, i hadn't even gotten to said list because a headline on facebook grabbed my attention. it read, "if you're a big girl, changes are you're a slut!" WTF?! no, but seriously, WTF?!?! i immediately raced to parlour magazine's site and didn't even bother continue reading on facebook. my government is on facebook and i wasn't sure if i would mind my manners when i commented.

"...Fat girls’ self-esteem is so low that 99% of them will let a dude go raw, take it in every hole and not complain too much cause they don’t want to lose who they think is their man.”

“Fat girls have nothing to loose. They want the attention of a man bad enough that they will sell themselves short.”

"...I think all women are nasty. Especially fat ones. They are all sluts.”

wow. WOW! check out the whole article here. the author, the single girl, seems to be agasp too but it led her to dig deeper. now i understand that topics are posted to generate discussion but i was so taken aback that i had to catch my breath. if you know me, you know that i am not a small woman by any means. i am about 5'7"/5'8" which is a little above average and buxom to say the least. i've been called thick, full-bodied, "big gal", voluptuous and "brickhouse". i'm pretty sure there were more names but i usually leave 'em floating on the wind while i keep it moving. although most of my friends don't consider me a bbw, i am also not a size 10. i'm somewhere comfortably in between at a size 14/16. comfortable for me, most days. but i always rep for the big girls so after i gathered my wits and calmed down, i responded.

"...yeah, i’ve heard this before. just like i heard this about dark-skin
girls. or girls without daddies. or girls who feel they have too much or too
little of whatever. women with low self-esteem will accept all kinds of trifling
behavior. the thing is all plus sized women do not have low self-esteem.
however, society tries to get women to believe that they should feel bad about
themselves if they are not a size 6. just like you should feel bad if you can’t
be described as honey brown or didn’t grow up with your father or live in the
hood (like any of these things are your fault). and even when we know better,
that concept gets perpetuated in how we interact with each other. that
dark-skinned, chubby girl named shaqueda gets treated like a statistic, even
before she makes the mistakes that lead to high-risk status.

you questioned whether a woman’s weight was related to her feelings of self-value. well, of course it is but it’s not the same for everyone. i don’t know about you but if
i’m not feeling how i look, i’m not really in the mood to be touched. and not
everyone overeats when they’re feeling depressed or whatever. some don’t eat at
all. so, are there conversations going on about slutty anoxeric women?! the
whole conversation just reeks of misogyny. (sidenote: some gay men are more
misogynistic than straight men…out of envy, i think. i would take everything he
said about women with a grain of salt.) if the roommate was slim, would the
slutty behavior still be such a problem? weight is just another excuse to treat
women poorly."

so much more needs to be said but i didn't want to blog in someone else's shit so i brought it here to TGOTG. what say you?



thanks: parlour magazine

moving weight to pushing paper...

ok fam, "stringer bell" has a legitimate 9 to 5 now. my favorite brit, idris elba, has now joined the cast of the office. if you're not already watching this show, add it to your dvr list. it's so f'in funny without any of that corny-ass laugh track. check it out if for no other reason than to see idris clean shaven in a suit...and off the block.

thanks: nbc, wireimage

kiss from a rose...

i'd like to say that i haven't been alright because of the state of the country and the economy, how i've been feeling like i'm hanging onto my job by a thread, etc. but that wouldn't be totally true and i can't lie...anymore. for reasons too numerous to go through now, i can just simply say that i have not been alright for a while now.

things really started to unravel during the last few months of my grandmother's life. it was all so touch and go for almost a year. i'd tried to prepare myself but you're never really ready for the day. i watched the strongest, most active, independent and industrious woman, person i knew, decline to the point of being confined to a bed and unable to speak. my heart would break daily for her. when i was alone, i allowed myself time to grieve selfishly. my grandmother raised me. she loved me in her own way and taught me all she knew so i'd become strong and self-reliant. up until then, i thought i had been a good student but secretly i wondered if her lessons would be enough without her there. after she passed away, i held up and carried on my daily routines. i had to. but as time when on, what i realized as my facade started to crack. to the untrained eye, i was multi-tasking as usual. but i'd become unorganized and lost. i honestly don't know if it was pride or the bitter thought that no-one would or could be there for me, no matter how many times i had come through for them, but i kept everything to myself. it oozed out at times, creating waves in the otherwise calm with my boyfriend, straining an already tentative relationship with my son's father and causing me to withdraw from my family and friends. then at my lowest points, i eventually reached out for help but in most cases, it was what i feared. most people don't really know how to help the helper. so i went back to doing what i used to do best - managing with whatever i had, not allowing myself to want more or expect anything, making myself as small and unobtrusive as possible, hoping that drama would pass me by.

i continued to try to do as i had been raised but usually wound up doing whatever would get me by. i used most, if not all of my resources until i felt like i was running on fumes. i had been running on empty for so long that it didn't take much to throw me. i only managed to pull myself out long enough to go to work with a semblance of a smile and not scream on my staff. i took care of my son but often pulled away from him because i felt guilty that i couldn't do more for him. i engaged in a dangerous push-pull with my boyfriend, everyday wondering if this would be the day i succeeded in pushing him away.

i was a mess. i am a mess, alternating between spinning out of control and paralyzing myself with fear and doubt. but today, i was stopped by a smile. an older woman, dressed in all white and carrying a walking stick, told me that god told her to tell me that everything will be alright. she was not one of the people i regularly pass by my job. i don't recall riding the train or bus with her. she wasn't one of my former clients and i don't think she attends my agency's senior center. in fact, she said that she had never seen me before and probably wouldn't again but she wanted to let me know that she loved me and that everything would be ok. her name was rosalee. my grandmother's nickname was rose.

and i'm back...

hey fam. i know most of you have been wondering where i've been. you haven't seen me at that afterwork event and i haven't made it to any of the girls' nights out this season. no calls, IMs or texts. you haven't even really seen me online. no facebook updates, no blogs and very few comments. well fam, it's been a little crazier than usual over the past few months and it seems like it may get a little bit rougher before it's all done.

if you don't remember, i work in social services. i supervise a team of social workers who provide services to families in crisis in east harlem to help keep their children safe at home. anyway, i was informed this past friday that my unit, along with two others at another site, will be closed, as of 6/30/09. details were sketchy and we were invited to a Q&A on monday. well, monday dealt us another blow. we were told that our units may be closing sooner than 6/30. of course, the administrators extended their condolences and expressed their frustrations with "the system" but at the end of the day, we're still out of a job in a few months.

the news really wasn't a surprise to me, given the state of the economy and how that affects the budget for social services but moreso because i had been fighting what seemed on most days to be a losing battle to improve the quality of work my unit produces. i was not surprised and honestly, when the word came down, i was somewhat relieved. a weight was lifted from my shoulders and i was allowed to think about developing my consultant business. i will still put my resume out there but i can't see myself working for someone else much longer. i'm looking to the entrepreneurs in my family (mother nature's belly) and among my friends (guess who's coming to cook corp., belle noir magazine, at least two hairstylists, one fashion stylist, a few publishers writers - congrats to ab on her latest book, and that intrepid screenplay writer out there in hollywood) for inspiration.

i'm fleshing out a few ideas and reality-testing a few others so stay tuned for news about my consultant business and the services i will be providing. in the meantime, if you hear of a job that you think i'd be interested in, please share. if you'd like to see my resume so that you will be more familiar with my work history, i'll gladly send you a copy.

thanks for checking on me when i was M.I.A. thanks for helping me see the silver lining and encouraging me to push forward through the drama toward my goals. thanks for reminding me that i'm a survivor and that i will get through this.